I need help understanding my sexuality

Hello, i am a 36 yr old male. I've been questioning my sexuality for the past 15 years. I started experimenting with anal around 10th grade i think, beginning with toothbrush handles and conditioner as lube. While drunk I asked my friends at the time if they'd ever tried anal stuff and the "no" was enough to shut me up about it for years. I dated a girl for about 4 years starting at age 17. We broke up in February 2010.

In September 2010 I was drinking with friends watching some HBO show. Everyone had left but me and one other guy, we'll call him Tom. He made a move on me and i went with it. I was not physically attracted to him, but I was excited to have sex. He fingered me some and gave handjob/blowjob and then I had sex with him. I enjoyed it at the time, but later that night after i sobered up and drove home i began questioning my sexuality. A few weeks later I had an opportunity to be with a girl (we'll call her Sonya) i had liked since preschool and we got romantically involved for a few months. I accidentally got Sonya pregnant and helped pay for an abortion. That relationship ended in flames.

Over the next few years I went back to Tom for sex a handful of times. It was great, we were both nerds and we'd play video games and watch tv/movies and eat food and fool around. He would always pay for food for me and even gave me gas money sometimes. I was always the one who penetrated him, he tried but his penis was too small to enter me. He'd use dildos on me though. I dated a couple girls for a few months each, but I'd end up seeing him in between. It got to the point that he got pissed off at me and we stopped talking. I think it was because i tried to hang out one day while i was still dating a girl and i rebuffed his advances. I was not physically attracted to him, i just really liked the sex. I liked playing with his penis, but kissing him felt weird.

I continued to buy and use various dildos on myself up to the present. I've shared this with 2 girls i've dated over the past 10 years. I really enjoyed being pegged. I've never had anal sex with a girl. I want to, but i didn't want to force it on anyone. I planned on getting married to the girl (we'll call her Sarah) i was dating in 2020, and we had a son together. I am a recovering marijuana addict and i hit an extreme low point in 2021 and attempted suicide. Sarah took this very hard and split up with me while i was spending 2 months in a mental hospital. She is now dating a girl, but we are on good terms and share custody of our son. I've been sober for over 3 years now.

In fall 2023 I reunited with Sonya and we dated long distance for about 10 months. I was less attracted to her physically than I was before, and I feel like the sex wasn't as good. I'm not sure if it's my sex drive failing or my desires changing or what. I want to try having sex with a guy who penetrates me. I am also terrified to ask for this. I've never had a one night stand with a stranger. I don't think I want to have sex with someone i don't know. I've tried watching gay porn and i am not really into it. I do really enjoy trans porn though, especially a tgirl penetrating a guy. I guess this is what i want? I don't think my porn preferences should dictate my sexuality, but it has to mean something right? How do I figure out what i am?