I wish I could talk to someone

My husband and I are 16 months in with no success. All I want is to be able to have a real life human to talk to about this. Someone who can hold me and tell me it will be ok and give me a hug because they understand my pain. But I have literally nobody.

I wish I could talk to my mother but I grew up in a house where we don’t talk about this stuff. But she’s my mom! She’s the one person I’ve gone to for advice for my entire life and all I want to do is tell her what I’m going through and have her tell me about her struggles and help me. But every time I bring it up all she’s says is “just don’t stress, it takes some time, and have fun!” She won’t bother to have a conversation with me about it. She also doesn’t realize how it makes me feel when she sends me pictures of friends’ babies because I can’t fucking tell her how it kills me.

I wish I could talk to my best friends. One of them isn’t ready for this yet so she doesn’t get the struggle, which is not her fault. The other two got pregnant on their first try so as much as they want to be understanding, they just never are. I can’t be happy for the one that’s currently pregnant but I’m a shitty person if I show that feeling so I have to act like I’m happy when they’re all talking about when we’re gonna have our next get together and meet the new baby.

My husband is amazing and I love him so much but talking about my worries about TTC makes him feel like he’s not performing his duties and that’s definitely not the case. But I don’t want to make him feel like less of a man so I can’t talk to him either. He’s also an optimist and still has faith. I just want to know if there’s something wrong with me so I can try to fix it.

So my only option is to vent to the internet void. But nobody here can give me a real hug and that’s all I want.